A friend of mine is currently in a situation that I’m sure some of us can relate to and possibly after she reads this post we might be able to shed some light on it for her. She is a strong, independent, beautiful woman who knows what she wants and for the most part refuses to settle, hence the reason she is in this jam. Like all of us out there, she isn’t getting any younger. Settling down with someone she can spend the rest of her life with is up there on her to-do list. After a few years of dating, she has, I would assume figured out what it is she wants in a man. Good character, strong morals, ability to provide for her,someone loving, honest and most importantly someone who will respect her and treat her the way she deserves. Lucky for her, she has found this potential life partner; the only problem is she isn’t physically attracted to him!
Like most of us women out there, she has a mental checklist of the things she is looking for in her potential husband and this guy has met most of those requirements. He passes the test in terms of character and personality but unfortunately the poor guy is failing in the looks department. Now I’ve seen this guy and he is not bad looking at all. Not Matthew Mcconaughey but not Marilyn Manson either! But beauty is in the eye of the beholder and she is the one that has to live with him not me, so my opinion does not count.
So here is her dilemma, she has found a guy who will bring her the moon and the stars on a platinum platter if she asks. Her family loves him and she knows a future with him would be secure. They are compatible in many aspects of life including culture, upbringing and religion and they have great a friendship that has immense possibilities to grow into something deeper. Despite all this, when she looks at him, her heart doesn’t skip a beat, when he holds her hand, she doesn’t feel the tingles and when he smiles at her she doesn’t melt. What does she do in this situation? Will the attraction grow in time as long as there is chemistry? Or do you have to have attraction first in order for there to be chemistry? Does she take the risk and hope that he will grow on her or is being attracted to a person something that you just can’t fake? It’s either there or it isn’t!
What do you think? Is physical attraction that important in selecting a partner? What do you do when you have found an amazing person that will do anything to make you happy, but you’re just not attracted to him?
Physical attraction is somewhat important, but I don't think it should be on the top of the list when it comes to choosing a life partner. What is more important is finding someone you can talk to and communicate with, because after being together for a while and the "physical attraction" phase wears off, you'll just be bored and want more.
ReplyDeleteYes its important to be physically attracted to someone you want to spend your life with, but I think if you enjoy being with someone that isn't up there in the looks department and spending time with that person then that's all that should matter. Sometimes it takes more than just the first look to form an attraction.
Face it, the perfect guy doesn't exist and sometime or the other we'll all have to settle for what fits for us. You'll find that "cute" guy you want, but that's all he's gonna bring to the table as against the "average" guy that brings everything else.
I agree Shi, but what do you do when you just can't get past the lack of attraction? I mean does she spend the rest of her life with a man she just does not want to jump on when she sees him? Do you think that will eventually get to her and possibly cause resentment or animosity in their relationship?
ReplyDeleteWow ... this question got me thinking and it lead to another question.
ReplyDeleteHow can you become life partners with a person if you can't get past their looks?
If you are not physically attracted to a man, do you think you can ever move forward?
I have been with men who are not attractive and their personalities did make up for it, but when their personalities started slacking and it stayed unattractive, then I lost interest in them.
So to answer your question, you can move forward with an unattractive person, as long as the have a beautiful personality that last.
She needs to ask herself how much is she willing to look past. Is he 'acceptable'? or she think's he's just NOT attractive. Is he a 0 or a 5? maybe even more or less...if he's a complete zero then she's wasting her time. If there's room to work with then why not. Better yet, what would she think if she was in that situation. Does the guy like her? I think if he treats her well and takes care of her then there shouldn't be a situation to begin with. I mean, like someone posted the other day on FB. Are women ever 100% happy? She has to ask herself if she gets the cute guy, is she going to find something else thats wrong?
ReplyDeleteI have to say that what is interior oftens shows on the exterior. I agree with the last person who commented, if a person has a beautiful personality then I believe that will prevail over their looks. True love is shared between two people not two faces. But, it does help to be attracted to one another!
ReplyDeleteLike Shaimah said, u don't ever find the right person- u always settle, and i think it would be better to settle for someone who has a strong character and good morals even though he might not be drop dead gorgeous as opposed to settling for someone who is gorgeous and makes u wanna jump on him but whose character stinks, or who has no morals to begin with.
ReplyDeleteAlso i believe that the whole heart skipping a beat, tingly feeling phase is just a phase- it's like giddy romance that u experience but then u get to that point in your life where u have to make a long term committment and there isn't room for that, u look for deeper things, and deeper meanings- and in the end i think thats what truly matters, not the ecstatic state of happiness that makes u want to jump all over someone but that state of happiness that comes from being contented- from knowing that there's someone u can talk to about things, and someone to come home to and spend your time with and someone to feel secure with.
I completely agree with you Naimah.Maybe my friend will read this and listen because when I tried telling her that she wouldn't budge! I also told her that the tingly feelings and butterflies isn't the most important thing.It's when those feelings are gone and you still enjoy being around one another that measures true love..
ReplyDeleteI hope you are listening missy (you know who you are)
hm hm... a bit late. This is a complicated one. Some blogs / comments I read....I just think, is the questioner getting their heart's question answered b/c there are usually so many different opinions/ ideas. I guess in the end, if the person reads through everything they might get some pearls of wisdom or insight or something that will help them...hopefully so.
ReplyDeleteI was interested in a cool guy. Cool personality and I thought his personality and his energy definitely made him attractive. However, his image, I had a hard time with. H ha sorry for the reference...but on the HIlls, Lauren Conrad (maybe the most level headed of the bunch) said that your boyfriend/ partner should be someone you are proud to be with and show off (not to the extreme of a "prize")...but the other person at some point(if you don't think they're attractive) will probably pick up on it and resent YOU for feeling that way...will resent YOU for "settling" on them..when they could have had a 'lasting true love' (if that exists? ha ha young and jaded). I, for one, wouldn't really want to be with someone who didn't really want to be with me. Come on girls, flip it around. It would be like a slap in the face. hm hm... ideas abound. alright ladies. have a nice day.
Madina
After thinking about this question I wanted to define physical attraction in terms of how I view it. I came up with two definitions of my own: 1. As a romantic/sexual feeling based on one’s looks or 2. Behavioral characteristics (good qualities) that we attribute as physical attractiveness.
ReplyDeleteIn regards to my first definition I feel as though if she did not see him as being “cute” and was hung up on his looks then why bother getting even further involved? Doesn’t seem very fair to the guy :( all I’m saying is If you can’t get past his looks in the beginning then why even pursue the relationship?
Based on my second definition if she is attracted to his personality then maybe she is physically attracted to him. In most cases romance and love does not create an everlasting bond between two people. And obviously there has to be more than meets the eyes for her to be with this guy.
in light of my perception of the term physical attraction I feel that it is extremely important in a marriage.
- Sabira
p.s Great job on the blog!
I think you all had great things to say on this topic. I agree with the recurring theme that being physically attracted to someone is only one aspect of a relationship while personality, character, and morals will bring more substance to it. How a couple respects, trusts and communicates with one another will have a greater effect upon the lasting value of the relationship. I also agree that a guy with a great personality or charm makes him more attractive when he would otherwise be an average guy.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I do think being physically attracted to someone is a significant component of a relationship. I think this is because people are usually together not only to share their lives, but also to enjoy physical intimacy, comfort, and contentment together. Physical attraction is important in this regard to establish chemistry, which also helps the longevity of a relationship in my opinion.
I think your friend has to find a happy medium. Someone earlier said something about whether she does not find the guy cute at ALL or if she is just not lusting after his looks. If it's the latter, then I think that's something she can certainly get past and be happy with her decision in the long run. From my own experience, the super "hot" guy is not always worth it when compared to a great guy who is perhaps not as attractive, but is nevertheless caring, reliable, and loving.
I still think that we as women should be careful about "settling." I don't think we should try to fulfill every single last thing on our mental checklists, but at the same time I don't think we always have to take what we get. I think that people can find multiple persons throughout their lifetime that they can be compatible with. So my final answer to your friend is this: If she is not attracted to the guy at all, then let it go and move on. I guarantee she will meet more men out there that will satisfy her wants and needs. If she is only mildly attracted to him, then stick it out and see how it goes. Also, make sure that this is solely about physical attraction. Sometimes there are other underlying issues we may have with someone below surface level, but we attribute them to one factor (such as physical attractiveness). Anyway, good luck to your friend and thanks for letting me blog with you!
I have read all of the above comments and my comment may seem very odd, but how about the realistic saying that goes: you cannot take looks to the market, or there is no perfect person in the world. If your friend has 1% of attraction for this person or 10% of feelings for this person, then how about trying to work together to fix the few bad in the guy. How about doing a good deed and give him a makeover that will benift you both in the end. You never know, it might be one of the most lasting relationships. Who said you can't give it a try and be friends, then best friends and then maybe partner for life as the qualities start to fall into place.
ReplyDeleteAwkwardly enough I have walked in your friend's shoes. I married a man that gave me the world, treated me like a queen, provided for my son, my family liked him, and everything else. Only thing was.....there wasn't a physical attraction towards him.
ReplyDeleteIt was something that I thought I can handle because everything else in out relationship was on point, but after 6 months of marriage we stopped being intimate, and now after 3 yrs of marriage we are calling it quits. No, physical attraction isn't EVERYTHING in a relationship, but it's definitely one of the foundations. I wish her much luck...
Wow the last person certainly did put things into perspective.Its helpful when you hear it from someone who has actually lived the experience. We always hear that love conquers all and if a person has good character and personaity then you learn to overlook their appearances and the lack of attraction.But I must say, I do agree, having a physical attraction to your partner is essential. You have to be able to look at him/her and feel something or else I think it will manifest itself in other, perhaps more destructive ways in your relationship. You may end up feeling resentment because you settled and one day you might up in divorce or in someone elses' bed.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for sharing your words of wisdom & experience.
Thank you for your interest and comments!
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ReplyDeleteKeep up the good writing.
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