http://www.j-walk.com/other/goodwife/images/goodwifeguide.gif
Being humble and, well I know it may sound bit old fashioned, obedient to your husband is an idea that many women nowadays toss out as anti feminist and archaic. But if we examine the core teachings of this article it may actually make some sense. According to the National Bureau of Economic Research, in 1955 the divorce rate was approximately 20% as opposed to today's nearly 50%. Could this mean that the modernization of women contributed to the jump in numbers? Of course, I am not saying that women’s lack of subordination to their man is the cause of all divorces and that men are free of their responsibilities. Undoubtedly this is not the case. We all know that sometimes a woman may give everything to her man: time, money, body, energy, life, kids and the bastard will still go out and cheat on her or find some reason to criticize everything that she does, but we’ll save the topic of pricks like that for another post =)
The thing is most women today are driven by careers, independence and success. The value of family, homemaking and caretaking has been deemphasized by the glory of self sufficiency. The problem is though, we as women, as modernized as we are becoming daily, tend to forget that a man is a man and that my friend will never change. Sure many men in the western world do not have the same level of expectations of their women as in the 50s’ but deep down inside you know they would like a nice warm home cooked meal when they get home and would like to know that their opinions matter and that you need them. It makes them feel like a “man”. In my opinion men know that women are the stronger breed and this why they need us to make them feel in control and as though they have a purpose. But back to my point, In the 50’s according to the Good Housekeeping article, if you follow these guidelines you were considered a trophy wife. Again, I do think some of it is a bit unreasonable and definitely inapplicable to today’s standards, but what I extracted from this article was a few key points that I think is missing in the modern woman. While we are certainly not expected to “arrange his pillow or offer to take off his shoes,” we should still be considerate and respectful of his needs. Being a little domesticated by preparing a nice meal in time for when he gets home from work or making ourselves pretty for him and sincerely listening to him as opposed to blabbing on and on about your little drama about some bitch who cut you off on the highway, does go a long way. Granted I’ve only been married for three years now, but I’ve seen the difference it makes when I do put a little emphasis on these things.
My question to you all though is, what does it mean to be a good wife, girlfriend or partner today? In the 50’s things were different but today, with the need for dual incomes, many women are out making just as much if not more money than their better halves and the “wifely” responsibilities are placed on the back burner. I know when I was working I would barely get home in time to start cooking dinner yet alone cleaning up the house or making myself pretty for my hubs and the last thing I felt like doing sometimes was well you know what (I don’t think any working woman can deny feeling that way) With our job description going beyond wife and mother and our responsibilities increasing how do we balance it all? Could it be because we can’t balance it all that so many marriages lead to divorce? I know that it takes two to both make and break a marriage or relationship, but when a woman is still expected to perform certain duties because it is the role society has labeled us with and she fails at that does that mean she is any less of a wife?
What do you guys think? Do you agree or disagree with the article? What are your thoughts?
The excerpt that you have posted is a very popular article that I have seen time and time again when taking women's rights classes and liberal arts courses in college. It is usually used to show how the role of the female has changed over time. I think you brought up some great remarks regarding the article and the fact that although much of it is degrading to women, it also has some valid points. Women should not feel bad about being a good wife, mother, or taking on any nurturing responsibilities that they desire to participate in.
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree with you that the growth in women's independence and their rise in the work force has resulted in a greater divorce rate over time. While I do think that this is an unfortunate occurrence, I also wonder if women in the past would have also sought out divorce had they been given the legal means or the ability to do so. Today women have options. How do we find a balance between being a good girlfriend or wife, and pursuing our own independent goals?
I think the key here is the matter of choice. Women should be respected by both men and women for the roles that they take on throughout their lifestyles. A woman who wishes to pursue becoming a homemaker should earn the same degree of respect as a woman who endeavors to become a lawyer. Both roles involve commitment and hard work, though in different ways. Although I am in my second year of law school, I will admit that spending an entire day caring for a child sounds more difficult to me than preparing for class, writing papers, and staying up until the wee hours of the night studying. Both roles are difficult, and both deserve respect. Also, women who wish to alternate between these lifestyles should also be commended. It is no easy feat to be a great worker, wife, and mother, and women cannot always be expected to do everything to perfection. Perhaps many of us should think twice before assuming that some life choices are so simple.
On the other hand, we should not neglect to consider the fact that men's roles have been changing over time as well. Today many men enjoy meeting women that challenge them. Men cook, clean, and care for children or at least share in these responsibilities more so than in the past. It has become more acceptable by society's standards for men to take on greater roles in relationships. I personally think this is great because I would love to have a man cook for me! :-)
Unfortunately, I have also noticed an unusual backlash, in which some men have taken a backseat in education and in the workforce. As women became more career driven, it seems that less men are pushing as hard in the classroom and otherwise. I thought that in law school, my male classmates would be more mature, hard-working, and perhaps cultured. What I have found instead, is that many men are just as immature as they were back in college. I wish I had the statistical data to back this up!
Anyway, getting back to your original question, I can talk about being a good girlfriend since I have had experience with this (and not so much marriage, haha). I believe a good girlfriend is one who shares mutual respect with her boyfriend. She should be someone that is compassionate, caring, and helpful. She should also expect these qualities from her boyfriend. Moreover, the couple should share the utmost trust for one another. Such a trust can be established from the foundation of a relationship. Finally, communication is key. If a couple can communicate effectively, this truly adds to the longevity of a relationship. Communication is also essential because it helps a couple to balance their personal time together along with life’s other commitments. While love is wonderful, it does not solve all of a relationship’s problems. What is important is the compatibility of both partners’ traits and qualities and how they mesh as a pair. Love enhances all these aspects, of course. I hope you enjoyed my perspective!
It's in you as an individual to do what's in your heart. Being a partner whether wife or girlfriend spells together. So, go out there and give your best and you will receive the best in return. Give him respect, love and sincerity and he's your rock as you mentioned in your profile.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading both the post and the comment and would have to agree with you Safia, that women's roles have certainly changed over the course of time- whether or not it has been for the betterment of family life and society is definitely subject to each individual. However, as also noted, the divorce rate has significantly increased between the time when women played roles primarily at home, and today when they are taking a forefront in the workplace.
ReplyDeleteI don't think that women would have chosen divorce even if they had a choice back then because 1) they were not financially independent since they chose to mostly take care of their families and homes and if anything pursue meagre jobs from the comfort of their homes and 2) people in general had more respect for the sanctity of marriage than they do now.
In the older days, marriage was seen as a covenant between 2 people and God, it was an institution and similarly the home was the oldest and most important structure in society. Today because mothers/women are working, the home is nothing more than a place to sleep for many children/men. They do not have the comfort of going home to someone, of going home to food, of having an enjoyable time while at home- and this has multiple repercusssions, not only from the perspective of men, who seek out of relationships and homes that provide little or nothing for them; but also for children and ultimately society at large.
I personally think that a good wife is someone who provides and fosters an environment of care for her family, even if that means giving up career goals. However, I also believe that a woman is a better wife/mother if she is able to pursue something that she genuinely enjoys- so I don't think it's her role to sit at home and fulfill all of the duties 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week...I definitely think the men should partake in chores with her and babysit so that she can enjoy alone time.
For me, I feel the need to do something with my time other than stay at home so 2 days a week,i teach 2 classes at the local college- which means i'm only gone for about 3 hrs a day (6 hrs per week) and i'm back home to take care of my son and to cook/clean/make myself pretty before the husband gets home. :)
-Naimah
It is wonderful you found a platform to express and share your views with others and be able to hear their opinions.
ReplyDeleteDid you ever thought of writing a book on "life of a stay home mother" and pursuing your writting skilld !?
Take care, Angela Nazim
Hey Safs!
ReplyDeleteI am not married yet so I don't know much about that. But, I think guys do need to feel valued and appreciated. If both people work full time, then both people should probably help around the house so no one feels resentful. If one partner stays home, it would be a nice gesture (for everyone involved) to create a nice, warm home environment at the end of everyday. It shouldn't be seen as a chore; however, a joy. :) My friend who has been married for ~20 years always lights candles and makes yummy food for her husband. They have 2 daughters too. She says, Why would he want to go anywhere else? And she always looks so cute! But rewinding to relationships: How do you know if he's right? How can you be right? What can you do (cuz you can only control you) to find a person that you can share a lovely life/ time together with??? What does a good gf really do? And this isn't just about pleasing a man. It's about being a good, caring, thoughtful person.
:)
Madina
This is a great article, but the premise behind it is not for our generation. This article is good b/c it provides suggestions to keep your man happy. However, a woman should not be obligated to be everything or do everything as suggested in this guide.
ReplyDeleteAs Safia pointed out, times are different. Woman work now and may even be the bread winner in the family. I think the guidelines in the article are now applied to both man and woman, it's called SHARED RESPONSIBILITIES. Women should not be the only one in the relationship following guidelines.
Men nowadays are following this guide, not by obligation, but by choice.
This article is a great reminder as to what keeps a home happy, but it's not a guide to what makes or breaks a relationship and it should not be an obligation, it should be something we all want to do for our partners and vice versa.
Hey Saf,
ReplyDeleteI found this interesting and perhaps related to this topic:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=122612096